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I logged into Google Docs by accident today, and found some work that I did for my friend Mellow Poppy long, long ago. We were dorking around while she was making shapes, and I started making up back stories for the shapes she showed me. We liked the idea so much that she asked me to come up with backstories for her entire line of men’s shapes as a marketing tool.

I’m not sure if she ever actually used what I wrote, but I really enjoyed doing this — I don’t often go out for creative writing — and hate to think that it was just going to languish there in my Docs folder.

For the record, I was especially enamored of Ernie. I think it’s evident in his profile.🙂

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Tom
Tom was president of the Young Republicans at Texas A&M until he was expelled from the organization for public indiscretions involving a bicycle, a garden hose and a large badger. Dejected and driftless, Tom found his lifepath through transcendental meditation and veganism, and today has a thriving business doing deep emotional release bodywork in Toledo. Customers there don’t really understand his affinity for boots and cowboy hats, though.

Ernie
As lead bassist for hot Nebraska-based emo/post-Radiohead band “The Neuron Machine”, Ernie has seen his share of heartbreak, hotel rooms, and hot groupie backsides. His bandmates are envious of his obvious talent, but are also concerned about their careers if Ernie were to seriously consider going solo (“VH1 Where Are They Now?” anyone?). Ernie’s delish bubble-butt can be attributed to a pre-band career as a bike messenger, and his succulent bee-stung lips can be attributed to monthly collagen injections and daily Lip Venom lipgloss.

Bob
As a child, Bob got his ass kicked almost every day before, during and after school, and frequently on weekends too. Years of deep-seated insecurities finally found an outlet when Bob had his first training session at the YMCA and loved the feeling of power it gave him. Today, Bob can bench-press 250 lbs, and frequently lifts his lady friends to show off.  Bob’s ex-girlfriend Sharona convinced him to tattoo her name across his chest; when they broke up, he got the tattoo guy to cover her name over with tribal designs (with only moderate success).

Lee
Single Asian hetero male seeks pretty single woman for pretty much anything. I like women who are intelligent, confident, and sure of what they want. I also like a woman who wears pantyhose. I find the sensual feel and look of a woman in pantyhose to be quite exciting. Really high heels a plus. I’m 26, a college graduate and a San Francisco native. You can be slim or full-figured as I appreciate the beauty of both, but really prefer slim.

Sam
Sam was born on the Right Bank, but definitely aspires to the Left.

Eli
Mild-mannered research assistant by day, when night falls, Eli becomes *Magnetomic Man* to face the evils of the Emerald City! Clad only in his bright green tighty-whiteys, and accompanied by his sidekick Emo, they fight crime through their amazing psycho-energy powers, well-synchronised high kicks. and finely-honed sense of the absurd. Criminals and evildoers of Seattle quake in fear!

Ty
Naomi? Check. Cindy? Yep. Tyra? Been there. Kate? Did blow with her. Gisele? CALL ME BABY!! So yeah, you could say Ty’s done the fashion world.  And Hollywood too: Salma? Needs to get over herself. Gwyneth? A lousy lay, limp as a dead trout. Penelope? Memorable lips. Madonna? Flexible!

Ty’s been around, I guess. He’s also a major STD vector.

Chad
Let’s face it, girlfriend! Chad’s sooooo full of himself!! Seriously, like, get on the cover of GQ just once, and he totally thinks he’s God’s gift to women!! And he’s so insensitive in bed! — he keeps getting distracted by his own reflection in the mirror. He just never seemed interested in satisfying *my* needs. O. M. G.!

But, well, on second thought… he *is* loaded, and he *is* luscious to look at, and he feels *so* right once you get him into bed….

Max
Max is a simple guy. Max likes fish. Max likes goldfish, koi, guppies, swordfish, blowfish, marlin, trout, salmon, clownfish, surgeonfish, razorfish, barracudas, and groupers, but Max is especially fond of mahi mahi. Max drinks Pabst when he thinks about his fish. Mmmmmm… fish.